7. Things in My Pockets Today

I often say I carry more crap in my pockets than an 11-year-old boy. So today I thought I would do an inventory of what happens to be in them.
1. Jade green glasses cleaning cloth, purchased from Wal-Mart. I don't know if it actually works any better than a t-shirt or a pair of briefs; plus, my glasses are scratched all to hell anyway, so it's probably pointless to clean them.
2. My favorite pocket knife. It's a Gerber, half straight-edge, half serrated. It won't lock open, so I will probably eventually cut myself with it.
3. Softlips spf20 lip protectant. My lips always chap this time of year, and if I don't keep them in check I will end up with some mean cold sores.
4. My wallet, which consists of two pockets for license, credit cards, etc. and a money clip, which is usually very, very lonely. The wallet is actually starting to come apart, so it may be time for a new one. In the front is my license, which features a photo of me making a funny face with my hair mussed. I am trying to start a revolution of goofy license photos (reasoning that everyone hates their license photo anyway, so why not?), but so far no one is taking me seriously. The next time I get one, I am going to wear tooth-black and give myself a black eye and a couple of scars with make-up. Seriously. Join me.
5. 72 cents (5 dimes, 3 nickels, 7 pennies. Solve for X).
6. Work keys. I have to open one, maybe two doors at work, yet I have 13 keys on this keychain. Why?
7. Personal keys, including a Speedway Rewards card and a library card.
8. A nice ink pen with an Asian floral design on it, given me by the Taiwanese boyfriend of my best friend.
9. A receipt from Subway. I bought my daughter a six-inch tuna on wheat with provolone cheese, a bag of Lay's chips, and a cookie and took it all to her for lunch today. Total: $5.01. The guy who waited on me was British, but he did not want to talk about it.
10. A Zippo lighter. I don't smoke, but I think every man should carry a lighter and a pocket knife. Also, I am involved in theater, and almost everyone else smokes. It makes me feel good to be able to light their cigarettes when we're outside on break. I think smoking is disgusting, but the laws restricting it are ridiculous and getting worse, and the self-righteousness of a lot of non-smokers is shameful. I am amazed at how free non-smokers feel a lot of times to say the rudest things to smokers and pretend that their personal preferences (that is, the personal preferences of the non-smokers) are sacrosanct and should lead to regulation. In what other area of life do we feel entitled to so blatantly tell people we disapprove of their behavior? Why aren't the indignant health-police raiding all the city's McDonald's and Burger Kings or tackling pizza delivery guys before they can deliver cheesy death to your door? I suppose everything unhealthy will be illegal before too long, and people will still die.
11. Speedway receipt for $20 of gasoline last night at 10:58:15pm. I did not get points for this purchase, since I paid at the pump. It was late, and I wanted to get home. So far, no one runs out to my car to yell at me for filling up, even though who knows how many people had to die or were oppressed to bring me that gasoline, and people die in car accidents every day.
12. The Tech/Show Week schedule for the Midway Festival of Plays, for which I am directing two shows and acting in another.
13. iPhone. I am suspicious of trendiness, but I have one of these things anyway, and I think it is a beautiful, practical, time-saving, time-wasting, revolutionary device.
14. A Bic Round Stic medium pen with the pocket-clip thingy broken off. I don't know how it got broken, but it was probably my fault. I have a habit of running my thumb up under them when I am pre-occupied, till they break. For some reason I am always a little surprised when they break.
15. Today's NYT crossword puzzle, about 3/5 finished. I will take it out and do a word or two when standing in line or between plays during our last dress rehearsal tonight. Anybody know an 8-letter word for "shortly"?

GUEST LIST! --> 6. Overheard at the Public Library

Our first guest list comes to us courtesy of the original Listy Borden, my listical inspiration, DeAnna Howard Rigney, a supervisor at the public library. Herewith, her list:

Overheard at the Public Library by DeAnna Rigney
1. "I'm very pro-colon health."
2. "Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is not dead. He faked his death and is living in a trailer park with Elvis."
3. "We could make a guillotine."
4. "You got a spare library card I could use?"
5. "You may not want to carry radium around in your pocket, but it's not gonna poison the continent the way plutonium will."
6. "I just left the Goodwill and they said you was hiring." (Because that's where we post our open positions...doesn't everyone?)
7. "Strangely enough a child cannot be used as a valid ID."
8. "Your day may be shitty, but you aren't."
9. "I need Alice in Wonderland. You know, the aminated one."
10. "You work in a communist library!"

And the Number of the Counting Shall Be...

Thanks to Listy Michael Paddock, who reminded me that I did not number the latest list. The problem has been remedied.

Speaking of Listies, the original Listy Borden, DeAnna Rigney, an ardent and obsessive listmaker from way back, will be submitting a guest list soon. She has been phoning in updates from her satellite phone on location at the Institute for Better and Fuzzier Lists in Homer, Alaska, and it looks like the list is gonna be a good one. Stay tuned.

5. Things Artistic/Liberal People Are Surprisingly Conservative About

1. Wearing hats indoors.
2. Subscribing to a particular political point of view.
3. The use of technology (i.e. cell phones, social networking, etc).
4. Realism in art.

4. Dialogue That Usually Lets You Know You Are Watching a Crappy Movie

1. "We've got company!"
2. "I was born ready!"
3. "[Something something something] Transformers [something]!"
4. "Don't you die on me!"
5. Any variation (besides the original line) on "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
6. Any variation on "Kicking ass and taking names!" or "Kicking ass and chewing gum!"

As Peter Falk would say...

...One more thing. Then I'll shut up and post another %&@*ing list. You can now search this blog easily. There's a search bar over on your right. I figured such a feature is a good idea when your blog is nothing but random, useless junk.

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Hey. Why don't some of you Listy Bordens sign up to follow me on this blog? There's a thingy over on the right that lets you do it.

Also, I welcome comments, suggestions, and stuff like that there. You don't need to be a member of Blogger or anything like that, so comment away.